Evil Villains Make Positive Case for Union


By Stephen Bowman

On the day that Lord George Robertson has said that Scottish independence would be ‘cataclysmic’ for Western civilisation, a succession of film and TV villains from the 1960s, 70s and 80s have lined up in support of the former NATO secretary general.

The Intergalactic Empire’s Darth Vader has admitted that Scottish independence is for the people of Scotland to decide, but that he finds the country’s ‘lack of faith disturbing.’ Meanwhile, Davros – the leader of the Daleks – has explained that the Scottish people need to understand the consequences of voting no: namely, that Scotland may find itself either frozen out of Europe or ‘exterminated.’

Michael Myers has declined to comment on the issue, though he has been breathing heavily down telephone lines and standing in gardens wielding a meat cleaver. Freddy Krueger, meanwhile, has warned that the process of negotiating independence will be a bureaucratic ‘nightmare’, in which he may stalk innocent 1980s actors and actresses and slice them open with razors attached to his fingers. Echoing these positive cases for the Union, Hannibal Lecter has said that Scotland can ‘fly, fly, fly, fly’ if it wishes, but that he’ll ‘eat its liver with a nice Chianti’ if it does. The murderous psychiatrist then made an odd sucking sound with his mouth.

One of the Trident nuclear warheads has also broken its silence on the independence referendum. Speaking from Faslane Naval Base, the missile said that it felt that it was unfair that Alex Salmond was forcing it to choose between its Scottishness and its Britishness and that it feared that it would be forcibly sent back to England in the event of a Yes vote. It said that some of the rhetoric used by CND was dangerously right-wing and suggested that immigrant warheads would be targeted in an independent Scotland.

These statements from a number of anachronistic villains and inanimate objects follow a growing concern amongst Unionists about the dangers posed by so-called ‘Cyber-nats’. Half-human, half-robot, these Cyber-nats are allegedly pursuing an online bullying campaign against anyone who doesn’t support their efforts to ‘delete’ the Act of Union. Davros said that he and a number of other Daleks were afraid for their safety following comments made by Cyber-nats on pro-independence websites which criticise the Daleks’ involvement with Better Together.

Meanwhile, it is understood that George Robertson is planning to use a time machine to travel back to 1995, when he said that the creation of a devolved Scottish Parliament would ‘kill nationalism stone dead.’ It is thought that Robertson will attempt to prevent his former self from saying these words, though it’s not clear whether this act – like Scottish independence – will result in a breach in the space-time continuum and the ultimate destruction of the entire universe.


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