Stop Press: Scotland Lurches To The Right!!!

By Stephen Bowman

As a result of last night’s shock European election result, it can now be revealed that some voters in Scotland hold right-wing views. This means that Scottish independence is completely unfeasible.

In what was a bruising night for Alex Salmond, the SNP has received the most votes in the election. Finishing a mere three places above UKIP – which clearly won the election after finishing fourth and receiving about ten per cent of the overall Scottish vote – the SNP and the Yes campaign are in complete meltdown.

A Better Together spokesperson has welcomed the rise in xenophobia across Britain, describing it as “clear evidence that we’re all better together. I urge Scotland to vote to stay in the UK so that all of us across these islands can share in the Union’s positive legacy of disliking Romanian men. There are clearly people across England and Scotland who are terrified of being swamped by immigrants – which is in no way a racist thing to say – so it would be a great shame to erect a border between us.”

The spokesperson also insisted that UKIP’s success did not undermine Better Together’s core argument that Scotland’s best chance of staying in the EU is to remain part of the Union. He continued:“The only way for Scotland to guarantee it stays part of the EU until the rest of the UK votes us out in 2017 is to vote in September to stay in the UK until the rest of the UK votes us out of the EU in 2017.”

The Better Together spokesperson also denied that the SNP’s victory-that-was-actually-a-defeat in the European elections, and a recent poll showing that over 75 per cent of Scots opposed UKIP’s policy of leaving the EU, was proof that Scotland supported Alex Salmond’s vision of Scotland becoming an independent European country. He said: “Except for the overwhelming support for the SNP in just about every election since 2007, and polls showing Scots want to stay part of the EU, there is absolutely no evidence that Scottish voters like Alex Salmond or that they hold any different political attitudes to people living in England.”

Asked whether any of this made any sense, the spokesperson said that it didn’t matter as most people who vote UKIP aren’t cultured or educated.

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